~ Losing myself somewhere ~

21.02.2012




Dear Blush,


Its been quite a while, I know.
I so much wanted to visit You and write but I am not able to write these days, as if the spark is gone missing somewhere!! I am sorry Blush for being away for such a long time, I missed You baby!!
I am glad I am back here, I needed someone so so badly and here You are standing by my side like always. I love You so much.. !! <3
 Life is, again, very very complicated. I know what I want but its hard to keep things in the right position for a long time, its like I have a moment of happiness and then *boooooooom* end of the dream like reality and entry of hardcore reality, the bitch we call life!
First week of this month gifted me the best moments of my life, memories I'll cherish throughout my life but as the week came to an end so did my happiness! My life and my luck sucks hard time!
There are two people in my life, I care a lot for and both are ready to leave me alone for my sake, none of them is ready to understand the fact that I can't fucking be happy with them gone!
There is a best friend who finds it hard to be a best friend, I understand your situation and I get it but what is my fault in there.. :(
And then the guy I love, the guy I would do anything for, I just don't understand why cant things stay normal between us no matter how hard I try to keep things alright! Why isn't love enough!?
I know I act possessive, I act mean and rude at times but its for a simple fact that I love You and I am AFRAID of losing You!! You think its all melodrama and me being fake and pretentious but how do I tell You its not that, its not! :(
I am anything but fake! There is a reason behind everything, I don't speak most of the times so that things might stay normal, I try and ignore things up but at times I can't.. I am sorry but I can't no matter how hard I try! Especially last week when I was pissed off at EVERYONE!! I don't know why but I was, still I tried believe me I did to be with You every time You need me.
I was not fine with few things and I said it out loud. I might be wrong there, I am not sure but I behaved that way 'cause I was watching things getting effected between us and I couldn't bear that! If there is something I am never ready to lose and give up on its You! And You just won't believe it ever.. 
I know how things are when You have to deal with past and that was one of the reasons behind the 'Fear' but I couldn't help it, I tried to not act like some paranoid but I guess I ended up being one and making a total fool of myself. I have always been a girl who realizes her mistakes after things are done and that makes me pay for it afterwards and guess right now I am doing that only. Regretting and crying.
Everyone had different mindset, I am the dreamy one. the one who prefers living in her own World and so I see things differently. Its easy to please me and its also easy to hurt me. I never ever forget things no matter how hard I try, they are always there and they come out when my temper is high, when my ego takes a hold of me! You wont believe but this ego is nothing compared to the one I had before for everyone else, where I would never ever accept my mistake and make others say sorry for no fault, I have definitely improved but I need to erase the word 'Ego' from my life for my sake or else I'll keep crying. 
I have come to a realization that a person never ever finds a mistake in what he does, its always the other person who is wrong. At times its the ego that makes You say sorry but there is also a genuine sorry and amidst all this complications and confusion the genuineness of the word gets lost somewhere no matter how heart felt it is, happens with me all the time!!
I put myself to pain but my senses have gone numb by now, mental pain always dominates the physical one! :/
You have no idea how damn fucked and lost I feel when You decide to 'go away', its like I exist no more, like I have nothing more left in my life!
I laugh with my friends but its never heartfelt, I feel my heart squeeze when those warm tears fall out of my eyes, I feel pain when I see your straight face, and I am just not able to control myself, pushes me into depression. You might find me melodramatic but only I know the whirlpool going within me eating and killing me with every passing second..
I have become desperate to leave this place and go far far away,
I don't want a complicated life, I want a simple one,
Where I can be happy and cry at times and have all the people I love with me with smiling faces,
where there would be no guilt within me and I might feel inner happiness and peace of mind..
Trust me, I love You, more than I ever thought I could, I gave it all to You and I always will,
Please forgive me for my mistakes and be with me.. 


God! I beg You, please please give me a normal life,
can't take it anymore,
before I kill myself please help me... !!


Love,
Me.

~ From the Vampire Diaries ~

Heyi Blush!
I have been out of town for quite a while so couldn't post anything in the past few days.
I do have a lot to write and I'll one by one but right now there is this moment from Vampire Diaries,
between Damon and Elena that somehow makes me feel connected to it, I wanted to share it here, with You.
The situation is, Damon realizes he loves Elena but he also knows Stefan, his brother is more appropriate for her. Elena just lost her necklace which saves her from being compelled by Vampires and Damon brings it back to her.


Damon : I brought You this.
Elena : I thought that was gone... Thank You.. !! ... 
            ( All into smiles and then Damon holds it back )
           Please give it back.
Damon : I just have to say something.
Elena : What do you have to say with my necklace?
            ( Thinking he might compel her )
Damon : Because what I am about to say is.. probably the most selfish thing I have ever said in my life.. !
Elena : Damon, don't go there.
Damon : I just have to say it once, You just need to hear it!
              I love You Elena! And it is because I love You that I can't be selfish with You.. 
              Why You can't know this... I don't deserve You .. but my brother does.
              God I wish You didn't have to regret this...! 
              But You do.
              ( Compels her to forget everything he said with a tear in his eye 
                 and puts back the necklace around her neck and goes away.)




There is something so special about the tear that Damon sheds,
the way he tells it all to Elena and then makes her forget that for her own sake,
the way he sacrifices his love for Elena's happiness
but deep within he knows Elena needs him too, to be happy, 
as a friend and he agrees to do that his entire life.
Its not a easy thing to do after what I have seen out of my life, its not.


Situations and choices complicate life like hell but You can't avoid them, You can't avoid life, You can't run away forever! You do hurt people You never want to because of these choices and it sucks!
Nothing could be worse than having to lose one person from your life in order to have another loved one with You. Having Someone on the cost of other. It is about priorities but the guilt never dies!

I wish life wasn't this complicated!!

~ .. And with this another year starts ~

31.12.2011


Dear Blush,


Today was the last day of year filled with lots of unexpected events..
I woke up and I decided I wont cry today, I just won't! The day started with the intake of bright, calm Sun ( No matter how much I tan, believe me this is something I can't get over with! ) along with some nice music! Then all of a sudden I decided to wash the balcony of my house and turned it into action. :P The cold water felt so good on my feet, then I decided to change my nail-paint for the new year! ;). I was sitting idly when a friend of mine called me up to see him if I could, he told me some other friends are coming too, one being Shreya ( A girl I hadn't seen since my 5th grade! ) and my Someone Special was also coming so I decided on asking my parents for seeing them and luckily they agreed! Met everyone and had a fun-filled time with them and then some time with my family. For me it was the end of the day but I had never even thought that the main event was yet to happen.. !


Mr. Special decided to get drunk and he did! He came near my place for some work and hurt his knee, never before in my life I felt so helpless, so bad for not being able to help him! Every time he said its hurting I could feel the pain within me! He acted funny and did lots of stupid things but also told me some things he felt, things I didn't know, things I hadn't thought of, things that made me happy, thing that made me feel special and things that made me cry. One fact that hurt me like anything was that I could not make him feel that I love him in the past 6 months ( How pathetic I am! ). And the other thing that almost killed me was him saying,'I'll go away from your life...' .. God.. ! I cried entire night, I did! I just can't imagine my life without him and he said he would go.. I could feel so much of pain inside me and my tears simply won't stop thinking what if he does that, what if he goes away..
And then another of my friend called me up, who too was drunk! My best friend! He called me, told me how good I am and he too said he would go away from me for my happiness. I was so so blank, I cried even more!


I just couldn't understand what is it with me that people I love think of leaving me, abandoning me for my happiness! How is that possible! People without whom I can't even imagine my life think of going away.
I mean is there some problem with me?! The more I want someone to stay, the more they think being away will keep me happy! No it can't, that will make me and my life miserable! Yes it will! Even if I have to beg You on my knees to stay, I am ready to do that, just please don't do that ever!
Baby I can't live without You, I can't! :(
And trust me I love You more than anyone else in this world, I do!
The place You hold in my heart is far too special, can't even define my feelings for You in words.
I might be bad, rude, stupid at times but trust me nothing matters more than your happiness to me, nothing!


Then the morning came and I decided not to discuss this with him, i wanted to make a new start, I wanted to make up for every wrong thing I have done, I wanted to love You even more and show You how special You are to me and I am following that! Despite everything I couldn't resist asking,'You won't leave me ever no?' and when I got a 'No, I won't ever!' in reply, no one could be happier than me! I felt like pulling You out of my phone and hugging You tight but 'I love You' said it all! :)
I have no resolutions this year, I will try to be a better person this year! :)

Love,
Me! :)

Happy New Year to all my readers! :)

~ I don't want to be sad ~

30.12.2011


Dear Blush,


Just one more day left in this year ( approximately one and a half or a little less than that ) and past few days since my B'day in the 22nd have been quite nice. This month of December gifted me a lot of Special people back into my life ( And I am so very thankful to God for that! ). Past few days especially the Christmas and 27th were so so special to me that I can't define those emotions those feelings in words.It was something so intense, so pure and so magical, like something I had never ever felt before in my life. I had never ever thought watching tears in Someone's eyes would bring some in mine 'cause I couldn't bear the sight or maybe 'cause I couldn't just stop them.. ! But it did and I was very very touched by that! I had never ever thought being proposed for marriage ( Although without the knees down and the ring in the hand ) would bring the tears of joy in my eyes ( Unbelievable! ), but it did! And I was definitely surprised by the showing up of this girly instinct within me! I felt special, I did! Past few days of love, care, those magical feelings made my life beautiful and I so very cherish all those moments. Never in my life before I had felt this feeling of possessiveness, this feeling of hating to share Someone ( Not even a single percent! ), this feeling of having all the time and attention of Someone, but now, I don't know why I have started to feel that! I am a very possessive person at times but I prefer to hide it all within me 'cause I don't want to put any kind of restrictions on anyone's life. But I definitely can't sound all happy happy about it all the time especially when I am in a very sad mood and I need all the attention for myself and this thing put me in a bad situation today. I kept apologizing ( And will keep apologizing ) for my stupid behavior ( Only if I could explain I needed Someone so badly that moment and then my cellphone network screwed up some things and then I slept and when I woke up I found Some messages that upset me even more and I ended up sounding even more cold when actually I wanted to hug You or maybe burst into tears! ). At the end of the day all I want is You, all smiling and happy and just look at me I am so bad I can't even get that! :( ( And that really hurts inside! ). I am certainly one very bad person..


So today my mind was partially occupied by this hurt and guilt but Some very good things too happened today, somethings very random, things I hadn't expected at all ( Surprises of life! ).
First was going out for a lunch ( Chicken! ) with my most Special friend and then going to our favorite spot ever since I joined that stupid college, near the flowing dam water with lots and lots of trees and fields and very very gentle and cool breeze ( Just love the atmosphere! ). Scooty  ride made it feel even more better, having some sunshine on my face and feeling the breeze all over. Nature certainly gives us wonderful gifts! Loved everything about it, the aura and the company, Thank You! :)
And second thing was very very surprising, got to see my very very wonderful mechanics teacher ( And Crush! ) after a great deal of time. It felt so good to have him right in front  of my eyes and talk to him about our college and his college etc etc ( One of the OMG feeling! ). He is so very motivating and inspiring, one of the most amazing person I know! :) I wish You get the Best of everything in Your life Sir, You definitely deserve that!


So the day was good ( yet sad ), I am missing You like anything but I think I have committed a big big mistake which won't be forgiven easily.. I am really sorry for letting my mood dominate, I just didn't mean to hurt You or upset You but... I am very bad!
Just want You to know,
I miss You!
I lov(w)e You! ( Like I never did to anyone.. ! )
I feel so so Special and different about You that I don't wish to share even a single percent of You! ( Maybe 'cause I am afraid that I might have to lose You.... )
And losing You is something I can't afford, just can't, even the thought just kills me.. !
No matter how bad I might be, I can never be selfish to You, never!
And God! I miss You so so badly, 
I am very very sorry,
Please forgive me.... ! :(

Love,
Me.

~ Realizations... ~

Heyii my Love,

my Baby,

my Blush.. !! :)

Wow!

This feels so so good to be back here.. !

( God I can't stop putting so many exclamation marks in here :P )

This month of December has been full of surprises,

happy and sad,

but somehow I believe this year is gonna end on a good note. :)

Blush I have some new plans for You,

I wanted to implement those since my B'day but somehow I couldn't due to the stupid server!

But today when things are all set I wish to continue with my plans.. :)

I wish to continue with You on a regular basis,

Just like my diary! :)

I am kinda excited about that and I'll start it from today or tomorrow,

and from Christmas!

See You very very soon Love!

Muaaaahhhhh... :*

Lets make a new start Blush!

Love You! :)

Thank You God for everything.... !! :)