Lying beneath the ashes of real me,

Is a person even I fail to recognize ..

~ Scared ~

There is something so wrong with me!

I just wonder am I so hard to understand!?

Yes I am the type of girl who spends most of her time in silence when there is something depressing/scary going on within. Not that I don’t want to open up or irritate people around me but I am not able to. I just need someone to cope up with my silence and hold on. I know it isn’t easy at all. But I can’t just help it.

The moment you think I am dumbly watching your face is the moment I am wondering deep within how can someone be so perfect, so cute!

Well it apparently is not meant for me and I’ll definitely try to deal with it.

I don’t like coming back home at all!

The moment I enter this place called ‘home’,

No one asks me how my day was or if I want to rest or something,

The questions start, why so early, why so late, why this, why that,

I mean what the fuck!!

Why the hell can’t I expect a normal reaction from people!

Why can’t people just give me a moment to relax?

WHY!?

Just please for God’s sake have some mercy on me,

God!

I am already so fucking stressed about my career, my future, my exams,

I don’t fucking have an idea as to what’ll I do if things go wrong

And instead of just letting me calm down people go on shouting and blaming me!

Every single day I pray to God to just get me the hell out of here as soon as possible.

No I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t want to cry to sleep every single night.

I don’t want to spend my time in an unknown fear.

I don’t want to create stupid dumb silences.

I don’t want to die within every single moment fearing the unexpected.

I just don’t want such a life!

I have to go and sit in my closet to just gain some peace of mind,

To stop hearing those annoying, shouting voices,

To stop hearing those arguing, fighting voices outside,

To blink my tears away,

To suppress that fear within!

I don’t know what to do,

I just didn’t want to be home.. I didn’t..

It kills me here!

It hurts me here!

And there is no You here..

And again I wonder how hard is it to understand me.. !

... And she knew she was in love!

“Is he actually gone?”,the voice rang in her mind over and over again.

Constantly wiping her wet eyes, she hid her face in her palms wondering,” Why? Why did he go? Was she that bad for him? “

Again a sob choked out of her throat. She hadn’t moved from her bed since past few days, she recollected remaining bits of her and stood infront of a mirror watching her swollen red eyes as she traced her face. She splashed cold water on her face to wash the agony, the pain she was feeling but the warm droplets of water dissolved in the cold water and fall across her face.

She begged to God to make her numb, she couldn’t bear the pain, the hurt anymore. Everytime when his words rang in her mind she felt as if someone stabbed her heart and a squeak of pain escaped alongwith her breath. She went back to her bed, hid herself in the dark, she didn’t like light anymore, why would she when her life had become a storehouse of darkness!

Tired she closed her eyes but his face never left her thoughts, surprised by a sudden vibration she checked her cellphone.

A message from him!

She felt a chill flow down her body as she picked up her cellphone and saw his name flash across the screen. She wondered how could anyone control her so much that even his name was enough to give birth to a turmoil within her. With trembling hands she opened the message,

“ How are You?” , it read ,laughing at her ownself she wondered,

“Why would you care now!?”, and coldly she replied,

“ Still alive!”

No vibration for a while, she thought might be she had hurt him acting so cold but then again,

“ Why would he care when he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”

“ I am doing this for you, for me , for us! Maybe you deserve someone better.. “,

His reply read.

A streak of tear escaped her eyes and she whispered,

“ I don’t want anyone else! I just want to be with you.. “

But alas he couldn’t hear her, no one could.

Trembling with the thought of losing him forever, she cuddled within herself and hid her face again trying to push away his thoughts from her memories. She needed to sleep, to be away from the pain for sometime. She blinked hard to keep the tears away and closed her eyes trying to gain some peace of mind and soon she fell asleep. When she woke up she sighed,

“ Even sleep can’t separate me from him.. he is present everywhere like he said.. “

Helpless she explored through her messages again hoping the nightmare might come to an end but then she knew this wasn’t a nightmare, it was the harsh reality and she had to cope up with it somehow or the other. She wanted to see him, she needed to see him before it was too late! Before she had nothing more left with her except the hollowness she felt within. She asked him to see her once and he agreed.

It was a relief as well as a dose of restlessness. She had no idea how she would face him, how she would react, how she would tell him how much she needed him, how much he meant to her and how much she was in love with him ..

Pushing away the thoughts she got up from her bed again and went for a shower. Feeling a bit relaxed she stood infront of her closet wondering what to wear but again it didn’t matter what she wore, it wouldn’t bring him back! No, she won’t cry, she decided and put on a simple kurti with trouser. She went into her balcony waiting for the dusk to fall upon, waiting to see the face she was in love with.

As time passed by she could feel butterflies in her stomach, the thought of seeing him made her feel happy as well as restless. The time had come, it was 9 P.M by her watch,

“He might be coming anytime..”,

She thought and walked here and there trying to supress her nervousness and fear.

Her cell vibrated, it was him!

“I am here”, the text read.

Fighting the nervousness she opened her gate and there he was, standing right infront of her.Every single moment with him flashbacked infront of her eyes, she felt as if she was getting lost in a void with no way out, but struggling within herself she signalled him to enter the house and follow her to her room silently. They reached her room and she asked him to sit down and feel comfortable. She went to fetch water for him and supressing every emotion inside she returned back with a fake smile on her face.

“How difficult it can be!”, she wondered and sat down infront of him. For a moment there was silence, pin-drop silence as she looked down to her lap and she could feel his eyes tracing her face. She looked up again and their eyes met. She looked into his eyes but she didn’t find what she had expected, no hatred, ho happiness, no calm, there was pain in them, care for her and love, pure love. She looked down again blinking hard to keep the tears away. He took the moment and laid back on the bed gazing onto the ceiling. Something within her pushed her and she got up, went next to him joining him on the bed. They both gazed above into the emptiness hiding their pain within them. And then she turned around to face him, she looked at his face, the face that pulled her out of every sorrow. She rested her head on his arms and he took her into his arms turning around to face her, they kept looking at each other with millions of emotions swirling around. Afraid she might lose him, she leaned forward and hugged him tight. She desperately needed to be in those arms. He hugged her back and they embraced each other for a long time then they drew back gently not leaving each other’s gaze. They loked at each other for sometime and gradually leaned forward and moved towards each other’s lips. Afraid she might break into pieces she clutched him tightly and returned back the kiss. They kissed in pain, in agony and in passion. And then he got up from the bed and pinned her on her bed, holding her hands above her head, looking deep into her eyes. She didn’t struggle, she didn’t move, she just kept looking at him with love in her eyes. He came closer to her and started kissing her again, she returned back the warmth, the love alongwith the kiss.

Never taking his eyes off her he pulled her up on the bed, in her arms and took pff her top, pulling back her hairs. He bit her neck with burning emotions inside him. He pushed her back on bed and took off her trousers. They both knew what was coming, what was going to happen next. She knew she loved him more than anything in this world and she needed to be loved. He knew she was his, every tiny bit of her belonged to him and he was there to claim it, to love her. She pulled his hairs and took off his shirt letting her emotions ooze out of her body. Amidst the passion, they made love and as he made love to her she could feel being united to him with every move. She held onto him, holding him tight. Then he looked at her placing a kiss on her forehead and said,

“ I love You!”

She couldn’t hide her tears anymore, she held him tight and requested,

“ Please don’t go! Please don’t leave me alone.. I won’t be able to exist without you.. “,

With tears running down her cheeks.

She could sense the pain in his eyes as he caressed her face.

“Baby I would never leave you alone, I love you so much.. even I can’t be without you.. !”

As he spoke these words they hugged each other tight and he wiped the tears off her eyes. He promised he would turn all her tears into pretty smiles as he kissed the corner of her lips, his corners of his baby’s lips, which made her lip curve into a smile and she smiled through her tears after so many days.

She cuddled next to him hiding herself within him, feeling protected as he stroked her hair and caressed her lips. She slept holding him tight sending one last prayer to God before she slept,

“ Thank you God for making me fall in love and being loved back.. !”

And then she rose her face, got close to his ears and whispered,

“I love You!”

and comforted herself into his arms as he held her tighter just like his little baby,

knowing she was safe and she won’t ever be alone!