~ Back again! ~

Heyi my Love, my baby Blush! :*

Missed You like hell sweetheart!

Had no net card since past few months so couldn’t visit You Love,

although I desperately desperately wanted to!

I know my Blush won’t stay mad at me for a long time! ;)

So talking about life right now,

Tears have blurred my vision!

Seems I am failing everywhere,

Love, family and career!

Things have turned out to be pretty much unexpected,

At times I find myself moving away from things

But the very next moment I find myself longing for them!!

Confusion dominates!

I really wish to have a clear view of things

And know what I want and what is worth my pain!

It sucks when you are blamed by the One person you would gladly sacrifice your life for.

Yes I fucking am in love, madly in love with my guy,

My craziness knows no limit when it comes to him

But I believe that is something he won’t believe ever!

No matter what I do,

my stupid negatives always dominate my positives

and I am bound to fucking shut my mouth and just listen!

(Sorry for the language love, I have started using ‘the’ language frequently!)

Yesterday my Love was in hospital,

The feeling and fear of losing him took my breath away.

Despite all the issues and fights between us, he texted me,

‘I love You!... Don’t erase me baby.. ‘

Reading this I burst into tears,

His face, his smile flashed in front of my eyes and I realized

Nothing else matters when it comes to him,

My ego, my pride, my anger, my moods, just nothing!

I would give up on everything for him

and I just decided right then I won’t fight him again!

Finding myself so close to losing him,

I could sense my heartbeat halting!

The things I have felt for and with him are emotions I had never ever experienced before in my life with any other guy.

I tried and still try my best to be the best for him,

To be the Only One he needs!!

Let us see how things turn out in future,

I just hope for the best!

There are lots and lots of things to share Blush,

But not in a single post!

I’ll be back soon love!

~ Penning down my thoughts.. ~

Heyii Blush!

Hope you are fine baby.

Days back I wrote a poem after quite a while 

and I am here to share it with You.

' Today I am standing on a path with two directions,

Both leading to an equally opposite destination.

First one takes me to the world I always desired,

Other one keeps me where I am, stuck and tired!

I can take the high road and be happy forever,

But it comes with a cost, with the title of quitter.

Confused I stand thinking where to go,

What I am and what I can do, I am yet to know!

With many dreams in my eyes, I know where my happiness lies,

But is it worth living with my parents' disguise!?

I blink hard to keep my dreams away for a while,

Maybe I am destined to walk on a tougher path, walking an extra mile...'

~ Losing myself somewhere ~

21.02.2012




Dear Blush,


Its been quite a while, I know.
I so much wanted to visit You and write but I am not able to write these days, as if the spark is gone missing somewhere!! I am sorry Blush for being away for such a long time, I missed You baby!!
I am glad I am back here, I needed someone so so badly and here You are standing by my side like always. I love You so much.. !! <3
 Life is, again, very very complicated. I know what I want but its hard to keep things in the right position for a long time, its like I have a moment of happiness and then *boooooooom* end of the dream like reality and entry of hardcore reality, the bitch we call life!
First week of this month gifted me the best moments of my life, memories I'll cherish throughout my life but as the week came to an end so did my happiness! My life and my luck sucks hard time!
There are two people in my life, I care a lot for and both are ready to leave me alone for my sake, none of them is ready to understand the fact that I can't fucking be happy with them gone!
There is a best friend who finds it hard to be a best friend, I understand your situation and I get it but what is my fault in there.. :(
And then the guy I love, the guy I would do anything for, I just don't understand why cant things stay normal between us no matter how hard I try to keep things alright! Why isn't love enough!?
I know I act possessive, I act mean and rude at times but its for a simple fact that I love You and I am AFRAID of losing You!! You think its all melodrama and me being fake and pretentious but how do I tell You its not that, its not! :(
I am anything but fake! There is a reason behind everything, I don't speak most of the times so that things might stay normal, I try and ignore things up but at times I can't.. I am sorry but I can't no matter how hard I try! Especially last week when I was pissed off at EVERYONE!! I don't know why but I was, still I tried believe me I did to be with You every time You need me.
I was not fine with few things and I said it out loud. I might be wrong there, I am not sure but I behaved that way 'cause I was watching things getting effected between us and I couldn't bear that! If there is something I am never ready to lose and give up on its You! And You just won't believe it ever.. 
I know how things are when You have to deal with past and that was one of the reasons behind the 'Fear' but I couldn't help it, I tried to not act like some paranoid but I guess I ended up being one and making a total fool of myself. I have always been a girl who realizes her mistakes after things are done and that makes me pay for it afterwards and guess right now I am doing that only. Regretting and crying.
Everyone had different mindset, I am the dreamy one. the one who prefers living in her own World and so I see things differently. Its easy to please me and its also easy to hurt me. I never ever forget things no matter how hard I try, they are always there and they come out when my temper is high, when my ego takes a hold of me! You wont believe but this ego is nothing compared to the one I had before for everyone else, where I would never ever accept my mistake and make others say sorry for no fault, I have definitely improved but I need to erase the word 'Ego' from my life for my sake or else I'll keep crying. 
I have come to a realization that a person never ever finds a mistake in what he does, its always the other person who is wrong. At times its the ego that makes You say sorry but there is also a genuine sorry and amidst all this complications and confusion the genuineness of the word gets lost somewhere no matter how heart felt it is, happens with me all the time!!
I put myself to pain but my senses have gone numb by now, mental pain always dominates the physical one! :/
You have no idea how damn fucked and lost I feel when You decide to 'go away', its like I exist no more, like I have nothing more left in my life!
I laugh with my friends but its never heartfelt, I feel my heart squeeze when those warm tears fall out of my eyes, I feel pain when I see your straight face, and I am just not able to control myself, pushes me into depression. You might find me melodramatic but only I know the whirlpool going within me eating and killing me with every passing second..
I have become desperate to leave this place and go far far away,
I don't want a complicated life, I want a simple one,
Where I can be happy and cry at times and have all the people I love with me with smiling faces,
where there would be no guilt within me and I might feel inner happiness and peace of mind..
Trust me, I love You, more than I ever thought I could, I gave it all to You and I always will,
Please forgive me for my mistakes and be with me.. 


God! I beg You, please please give me a normal life,
can't take it anymore,
before I kill myself please help me... !!


Love,
Me.

~ From the Vampire Diaries ~

Heyi Blush!
I have been out of town for quite a while so couldn't post anything in the past few days.
I do have a lot to write and I'll one by one but right now there is this moment from Vampire Diaries,
between Damon and Elena that somehow makes me feel connected to it, I wanted to share it here, with You.
The situation is, Damon realizes he loves Elena but he also knows Stefan, his brother is more appropriate for her. Elena just lost her necklace which saves her from being compelled by Vampires and Damon brings it back to her.


Damon : I brought You this.
Elena : I thought that was gone... Thank You.. !! ... 
            ( All into smiles and then Damon holds it back )
           Please give it back.
Damon : I just have to say something.
Elena : What do you have to say with my necklace?
            ( Thinking he might compel her )
Damon : Because what I am about to say is.. probably the most selfish thing I have ever said in my life.. !
Elena : Damon, don't go there.
Damon : I just have to say it once, You just need to hear it!
              I love You Elena! And it is because I love You that I can't be selfish with You.. 
              Why You can't know this... I don't deserve You .. but my brother does.
              God I wish You didn't have to regret this...! 
              But You do.
              ( Compels her to forget everything he said with a tear in his eye 
                 and puts back the necklace around her neck and goes away.)




There is something so special about the tear that Damon sheds,
the way he tells it all to Elena and then makes her forget that for her own sake,
the way he sacrifices his love for Elena's happiness
but deep within he knows Elena needs him too, to be happy, 
as a friend and he agrees to do that his entire life.
Its not a easy thing to do after what I have seen out of my life, its not.


Situations and choices complicate life like hell but You can't avoid them, You can't avoid life, You can't run away forever! You do hurt people You never want to because of these choices and it sucks!
Nothing could be worse than having to lose one person from your life in order to have another loved one with You. Having Someone on the cost of other. It is about priorities but the guilt never dies!

I wish life wasn't this complicated!!

~ .. And with this another year starts ~

31.12.2011


Dear Blush,


Today was the last day of year filled with lots of unexpected events..
I woke up and I decided I wont cry today, I just won't! The day started with the intake of bright, calm Sun ( No matter how much I tan, believe me this is something I can't get over with! ) along with some nice music! Then all of a sudden I decided to wash the balcony of my house and turned it into action. :P The cold water felt so good on my feet, then I decided to change my nail-paint for the new year! ;). I was sitting idly when a friend of mine called me up to see him if I could, he told me some other friends are coming too, one being Shreya ( A girl I hadn't seen since my 5th grade! ) and my Someone Special was also coming so I decided on asking my parents for seeing them and luckily they agreed! Met everyone and had a fun-filled time with them and then some time with my family. For me it was the end of the day but I had never even thought that the main event was yet to happen.. !


Mr. Special decided to get drunk and he did! He came near my place for some work and hurt his knee, never before in my life I felt so helpless, so bad for not being able to help him! Every time he said its hurting I could feel the pain within me! He acted funny and did lots of stupid things but also told me some things he felt, things I didn't know, things I hadn't thought of, things that made me happy, thing that made me feel special and things that made me cry. One fact that hurt me like anything was that I could not make him feel that I love him in the past 6 months ( How pathetic I am! ). And the other thing that almost killed me was him saying,'I'll go away from your life...' .. God.. ! I cried entire night, I did! I just can't imagine my life without him and he said he would go.. I could feel so much of pain inside me and my tears simply won't stop thinking what if he does that, what if he goes away..
And then another of my friend called me up, who too was drunk! My best friend! He called me, told me how good I am and he too said he would go away from me for my happiness. I was so so blank, I cried even more!


I just couldn't understand what is it with me that people I love think of leaving me, abandoning me for my happiness! How is that possible! People without whom I can't even imagine my life think of going away.
I mean is there some problem with me?! The more I want someone to stay, the more they think being away will keep me happy! No it can't, that will make me and my life miserable! Yes it will! Even if I have to beg You on my knees to stay, I am ready to do that, just please don't do that ever!
Baby I can't live without You, I can't! :(
And trust me I love You more than anyone else in this world, I do!
The place You hold in my heart is far too special, can't even define my feelings for You in words.
I might be bad, rude, stupid at times but trust me nothing matters more than your happiness to me, nothing!


Then the morning came and I decided not to discuss this with him, i wanted to make a new start, I wanted to make up for every wrong thing I have done, I wanted to love You even more and show You how special You are to me and I am following that! Despite everything I couldn't resist asking,'You won't leave me ever no?' and when I got a 'No, I won't ever!' in reply, no one could be happier than me! I felt like pulling You out of my phone and hugging You tight but 'I love You' said it all! :)
I have no resolutions this year, I will try to be a better person this year! :)

Love,
Me! :)

Happy New Year to all my readers! :)