~ Lost and found and Lost ~

Blush!

Heyii Baby :*

Its been quite long I know,

Maybe a week less than a month,

You must be angry I know,

You should be!

No silly excuses to give,

just the bitter truth,

I am not fine,

No I am not!

No matter what I do,

Life always sucks for me,

ALWAYS!!

It seems I am born to keep committing mistakes I have no idea of and then spend the rest of the time apologizing for it.

Past few days have been an eye-opener,

I am shattering inside,

yet again,

never found myself this lonely before,

never.

( I miss You. :'( )

Yes I don't speak when I am hurt,

I keep silent

but I don't wish people to get pissed off over that 

and leave me alone,

I just need someone to hug me 

and tell me I am not alone,

maybe, just maybe,

I am not that bad.

In the past eighteen years I found no one 

who could cope up with my silence,

except You.

I remember how every time You apologized although

it was never your fault.

I am heartily sorry for everything,

Today, I understand each and every thing,

I do 

and now I know how bad I am 

and how right You were,

I am sorry!

Nothing in this World can replace You ever!

I struggle within everyday, 

but ..

maybe I deserve this!

It hurts so much when the person most close to You doesn't trust You,

'Trust',

I remember.. maybe I am not trustworthy,

I am a murderer of Trust,

ain't I?

I am two-faced,

fake,

unstable,

a person who twists thing

all those words above define me.

I had nothing to say,

except believing the fact this is all true..

So this is who I am.. hmm ..

I thought I was a better person,

but I am not!

No matter how much I cry,

it doesn't drain out the pain out of my heart,

no matter how much I bleed,

the hurt, the mental torture never ends,

Losing your mind can't be permanent.

God!!

Is there no cure for this?!

I feel like an unwanted person,

like someone who only creates troubles,

upsets people.

And above all 

I am shattered,

breaking inside day by day.

I do everything I once hated,

Everything!

I am turning into a person I never wanted to be,

a sadist,

a crier,

a loner,

one with all bad habits,

totally depressed

and

depressing

and much more.

All my beliefs are shattered,

I am a stranger to my own self

No one knows me,

No one gets me,

No one trusts me!

Only thing I wish for right now 

is to get away from everyone,

far far away.

Go to a place where no one knows me

and stay there.

Far away and alone.

I am tired of apologizing 

and acting a 'Spoiler',

I am tired!

I miss who I used to be once,

I miss the good part in me,

I miss the days when people loved me,

I miss the days when I wasn't the 'Upsetting-factor' for everyone,

I miss the days when I was Someone's priority,

I miss all the silly chit-chats I had once,

I miss me,

I miss You,

I miss being alive.

And an entirely new experience awaits me this weekend,

an eye surgery!

I could feel my heartbeat rush when doctor told me about that,

I went pale.

 I was afraid of hospitals ever since I was a kid 

and now who is going to have an eye surgery,

hell yes its me!

Life couldn't be worse,

simply couldn't be!

All I can do is shed tears

till my eyes get dried up

and hope maybe someday it will reduce the pain I am in

or maybe someday I won't be so alone..

I am changing

and

I can feel it

into a person worse than I had ever anticipated.

I hate myself.

Too hopeless to hope...