... And I don't know why I felt differently today hearing You say that!

Maybe its the start of a new journey.

Looking forward to happiness.

:)

~ Crossroads ~

22nd December, my birthday, as it got closer my hopes were up that this time it would be different, this time it would be all smiles no tears, this time it would be special..with You but it turned the other way around.

Still memorable but painfully memorable, I can't imagine anything worse for myself now.

The feeling I have right now, its like I have nothing more left to lose.

Guess people speak the truth when they say never make anyone your everything 'cause when they leave you are left with nothing.

I have never felt this lost before,

I don't know what to do, what to say, I just kill my time someway or the other.

I cry out of nowhere and even when I laugh, tears roll down my cheeks.

I try, I pretend that I am fine but the truth is I am not, I feel terrible inside, I feel hollow within and it pains, it hurts me but there is nothing I can do except learning to live with this pain and make a terrible attempt to find happiness.

My birthday is a lost cause and I wonder are promises made on bed limited to bed only?

Everything is a big fake, a big lie, all those promises especially. Why did you make them when you didn't intend on keeping them? Why did you put dreams in my eyes when all you wanted was to break them?

I don't know what it'll take for you to see the love I have for you, the sacrifices I willingly made and I would make in future, guess its all no worth to you, had it been I wouldn't be the person I am just 'cause you left me.

If I am the cause of unhappiness in your life I promise I'll walk away from you life and will never ever look back, nothing else matters more than your happiness, I wish it was the same other way around too but guess I am not that lucky.

The truth is, life without You is terrible, painful, I cry myself to sleep every single night but I guess that'll never matter to you.

You kicked me out, you hurt me in every possible way and still here I stand saying with tears in my eyes,

'I love you.. always did.. always will..'

... And he looked deep in to my eyes, I could feel his breath on my face, I could see a pain, an agony in his eyes as he said, 'Wait for me.. Will you!?'

I stared at him spell-bounded, all I could see and all I could feel was him and the fact that he was going away made it even more hard for me. I wanted to speak 'Yes I will!' but I couldn't utter a word, I just kept looking at him and nodded my head and he knew I would, so did I!

That day, that incident changed my life forever,

I got to know it would be him or no one else now and still it'll be you or no one else.

Being away from you can't stop me from loving you .. I'll wait ..

She looked deep into his eyes, breathing heavily, as she watched and felt him move gently inside her as if he was afraid that he might hurt her, with just one thought revolving in her mind,” How will I ever live if he leaves me alone..” She just kept staring at his calm face trying to find an answer in his eyes. His eyes talked to her even when he didn't, something in them assured her that he’ll never ever let her fall apart, that he’ll always be there to look after her, that he loved her insanely and won’t let a drop of tear fall from her eyes.

Finding her lost in thoughts he asked her,” What are you thinking baby?”

“Nothing”, she replied and tightened her hold.

Looking deep into her eyes he whispered,” I love you baby!” and leaned down to kiss her lips. As he moved his lips on hers she could feel a chill running down her body, he went on kissing her passionately as she kept on getting lost in him. With a mischievous smile on his face and passion in his eyes he lifted her up in his arms and pinned her against the table. She loved this feeling of being owned, of being dominated by him and she returned the smile back following everything he said. He pulled back her hair as he bit and kissed her lips, she went on in the flow of passion kissing him back and as he moved inside her she let out a moan and closed her eyes. All she could feel, all she could think and all she could hear was him, just him. Nothing else mattered to her except the fact that she was crazily in love with this guy! Again the thought of being without him started scaring her and she opened her eyes, pulled him close to her and hugged him tight. She held him tight until she assured herself that he was right there and he would never ever leave her alone. As she drew back she saw questions and worry in his eyes, he caressed her softly as he asked her if something was wrong. She just nodded her head in a no, never leaving his gaze. He lifted her gently and placed her on bed trying to comfort her. She cuddled within him and whispered, “I love you!”

“Baby I love you too and I am right here ok!” he said as he held her close to his heart.

Hearing his heartbeat against her ears she felt very comforted and looking into his eyes she found her answer that he would never ever leave her alone. She smiled at him as he kissed his corners of his baby’s lips. She hugged him tight knowing this was the most perfect guy and this was the most perfect moment of her life!

~ Transitions ~

Hey Baby!

Back after a long time.

Missed you and missed writing a lot!

Since the past few days my mind has become a battleground for my thoughts representing so many emotions within me. I often get to hear that I have changed a lot from my close ones, maybe I have changed because my life has changed now. Is something wrong with being happy? I value this happiness, these smiles a lot because I have spent a great deal of time looking for them and living without them. I expect people to understand me, to understand the reason behind this change. What I don’t expect is them leaving me alone thinking I have changed. I have a set of amazing new friends but that doesn’t mean I don’t need the old ones anymore! I always value friendship in my life no matter how old or new it is. Each and every person close to me is irreplaceable no matter what and they just don’t understand this!

My relationship is standing on a weird stage where every single thing has changed. I have changed, he has changed and above all our relationship has changed! I might act all cool about it but the truth is I am consumed by a fear, a fear that what’ll happen when I’ll have no work to do and nothing to divert my mind with, what’ll I do!? I do every single thing to keep my mind away from his thoughts because once they dominate me I end up crying. I just miss every single thing we had between us, that love, that bonding, those moments, just everything! The more I try to avoid his thoughts the more I am consumed by them. Every single thing takes me back to him and I don’t know how to handle myself then. I keep trying to bring everything back to normal but I am afraid nothing will be the way it was, ever! It is like living a nightmare.

One new gift in my life helps me deal with it, a friend who is also the best photographer I have known! I share everything with him and he helps me with it. He keeps me alive, he makes me smile, he never leaves me alone and I have bonded amazingly with him in a very short span of time. His company has a profound effect on me, spending time with him I can find frames everywhere I see just like him. I am so so thankful to God for sending him in my life!

I also had certain new experiences, adventurous ones! Tried a lot of new stuff and still looking for something new to try every day.  But I can’t deny I miss some parts of my old days like hell, I miss the guy I fall in love with, I miss the moments I spent with him, I miss the way he held me tightly in his arms, I miss the way he never left me alone, I miss the way he pampered me all day long, I miss the way we spent entire day talking to each other, I miss those walk back home, I miss being the first person to know everything, I miss everything!

My new life has given me a million reasons to be happy but at the end of the day I am a girl who misses being loved, who wants to be loved and that pains me within! I wish everything gets fine before I start running away from a part of me and lose it forever ..