... And I wish to die ...

~ Whats the mood?! ~

Heyiii Blush! :)

How are You doing my Baby?? :*

Yep I know You want to kick me right now for being so irregular 

and I am totally ready for that! :D

( Anytime! ;) )

Right now I am in one of those groovy groovy moods

( Ye muzik band na karo .. :D ),

seems like my cassette is stuck here only. :P

And I am happy

and yet

I am sad!

Happy?

There are many reasons to be. :)

A Crush, and watching him for hours and hours. :D

( Silly one :D )

A love, and having him to take care of myself. :)

A chocolate, I had been waiting from a long time!

( Silk :D ),

I love that chocolate..... !!

Yummieeeeeee.... ! :D

Beautiful weather. :)

Silly time with my friends

( Loved it! :) ).

Arrival of my Angel in town! :D

Meeting my sis tomorrow

( Tomorrow being the weekend! :P ).

Right now only this much reasons are coming to my mind. :D

I am hopping on my chair

and talking with some of my friends

and there is some part of my mind

which is asking me 

if I should message him,

my Angel,

who is no more talking to me .. 

Should I.. ?

I don't know if he would even talk to me ever

and then

what about letting him go.

Confused

yep I am!

I don't know what is the right thing to do.

I don't want to remind him of the hurt

but 

I don't wish to lose him too. :(

I am stuck badly here!

And then I am not sure if I am going right or not.

I am not able to analyze if he is happy with me or not.

I hope he is, really do.

Simply love it when he is always there to look after me! :)

I lowe You... ! 

I wish You had the solution to my this problem too,

but never mind.

You are always there to make me smile

and

I try to do the same.. :)

I lowe You!

See you very soon my Blush.. ! :)

This is how life goes on .... ! 

Everything is going so so wrong right now... !

Nothing appears to work.

God what have You planned for me.. !?! :(

~ Random ~

Hey Blush! 

Finally the weekend! :)

Right now,

there are so many things going on

and

I believe

most of them are out of my control.

I am unable to understand,

where exactly do I go wrong,

every time!?

I am unable to understand 

what exactly should I do?

to make things better.

No idea,

simply no idea at all.

I find myself getting deeply hurt,

I find my pillow soaked in tears during the nights

and yet

I smile,

for people around me.

I chose to hide the hurt deep within.

I never forced anyone for anything,

never will,

but that simply doesn't mean,

that I would be able to stop myself from getting hurt,

I would be able to stop the tears from coming out of my eyes.

No, I can't.

I am a human and somethings are not in my control.

I can only hide it,

and I guess that is exactly what time demands of me

at the instant.

I only wish that the clouds of complexities and confusions would disappear soon

and the bright ray of joy and hope will re-enter my life once again.

Every human has a saturation-point,

and I hope things get better

before I reach mine.

I don't wish to lose myself once again,

simply wont be able to recollect myself this time.

There are moments when I feel like,

deactivating my Facebook account,

stop visiting You Blush,

stop seeing my friends,

just living alone with the hurt

and 

cry.. cry my pain out..

Lets see what do I do.

God help me !

~ Helpless ~

Blush.. :(

I am really bad no?

I know I am ..

Seems like I have become an expert in hurting people

and

making them sad.

( That too the ones I love the most.. :( ).

I was already dealing with the guilt of hurting one of my Angels,

With the look of indifference in the eyes of my best brother,

With the accusing eyes of my college friends

and today

One more thing adds up to the list,

The guilt and hurt of hurting Someone so special

and

so close to my Heart! :(

Blush!

What do I do?

Why, every time these eyes shed tears?

Why!?

Yesterday night I woke up and

found a message from a college friend,

' Through your life,

You will learn the difference between holding a hand and falling in love,

You will learn kisses don't always mean something,

Promises can be broken as easily as they were made,

You will get back all that You give, good or bad,

Someone will make You realize the pain, You already have given,

Sometimes good-byes are forever,

But some people will leave You never,

And that day You will realize,

How Beautiful is your life ... '

These words hit me hard,

I knew what it was supposed to mean,

I got to know why every time 

that friend looked at me with that weird and accusing look,

I got to know my value in their eyes,

I was hurt,

deeply hurt.. !

I was supposed to realize the pain I had given,

these words kept revolving in my mind over and over again,

I tried to sleep,

I couldn't.

I wanted to share the hurt I was undergoing

with Someone

but soon I realized,

I had hurt him too..

He was upset all because of me,

me, me, me,

causing pains all the time!

I didn't know what to do,

I spent my entire day with so many people around,

juniors,

friends,

people I knew,

but I was alone.

Somehow I managed to plaster a smile on my face.

For some instants I lost the control,

I sat with a note-book,

to write,

wrote few lines

and my mind gave up.

Tears filled in my eyes,

and I started looking out of the window,

to hide them.

I didn't want to make a show of my tears.

And then,

on my way back home,

today 

I experienced the most killing silence.

I didn't know what to do,

what not-to-do,

tears came up in my eyes

and 

I flashed them away,

It was not the right time and place,

I kept strong.

I didn't know what I had done,

where exactly did I go wrong,

what should I do,

nothing!

Blank.

I was in pain,

physically and mentally.

Somehow I manged to reach home,

and went directly to bed.

Somehow I gathered the courage

to talk

and then

'Bye.'

I had nothing more left within me. :'(

And 'else-part' .. !?

After spending so much of time with me,

You actually think that .. ?!

How do I tell You,

You have always been my priority,

always.. ! :(

and will be..

I don't know.. what to say..

Its all so bad!

I hate that college.

God!

Please help me. :'(

I am not that strong,

I just am not,

Please! :(

I am a human,

I have feelings,

I get hurt too.

I am not a machine programmed 

to maintain a smile on my face all the time.

I can't.

I am sorry,

I am.

At least You,

Please forgive me!

:(

This message from my junior says some part of what I wish to say,

' Being good is very difficult.

It is like being a goalkeeper.

No matter how many goals You save,

people remember only the ones you missed.. ! :( '

God! Am I that bad?