~ Helpless ~

Blush.. :(

I am really bad no?

I know I am ..

Seems like I have become an expert in hurting people

and

making them sad.

( That too the ones I love the most.. :( ).

I was already dealing with the guilt of hurting one of my Angels,

With the look of indifference in the eyes of my best brother,

With the accusing eyes of my college friends

and today

One more thing adds up to the list,

The guilt and hurt of hurting Someone so special

and

so close to my Heart! :(

Blush!

What do I do?

Why, every time these eyes shed tears?

Why!?

Yesterday night I woke up and

found a message from a college friend,

' Through your life,

You will learn the difference between holding a hand and falling in love,

You will learn kisses don't always mean something,

Promises can be broken as easily as they were made,

You will get back all that You give, good or bad,

Someone will make You realize the pain, You already have given,

Sometimes good-byes are forever,

But some people will leave You never,

And that day You will realize,

How Beautiful is your life ... '

These words hit me hard,

I knew what it was supposed to mean,

I got to know why every time 

that friend looked at me with that weird and accusing look,

I got to know my value in their eyes,

I was hurt,

deeply hurt.. !

I was supposed to realize the pain I had given,

these words kept revolving in my mind over and over again,

I tried to sleep,

I couldn't.

I wanted to share the hurt I was undergoing

with Someone

but soon I realized,

I had hurt him too..

He was upset all because of me,

me, me, me,

causing pains all the time!

I didn't know what to do,

I spent my entire day with so many people around,

juniors,

friends,

people I knew,

but I was alone.

Somehow I managed to plaster a smile on my face.

For some instants I lost the control,

I sat with a note-book,

to write,

wrote few lines

and my mind gave up.

Tears filled in my eyes,

and I started looking out of the window,

to hide them.

I didn't want to make a show of my tears.

And then,

on my way back home,

today 

I experienced the most killing silence.

I didn't know what to do,

what not-to-do,

tears came up in my eyes

and 

I flashed them away,

It was not the right time and place,

I kept strong.

I didn't know what I had done,

where exactly did I go wrong,

what should I do,

nothing!

Blank.

I was in pain,

physically and mentally.

Somehow I manged to reach home,

and went directly to bed.

Somehow I gathered the courage

to talk

and then

'Bye.'

I had nothing more left within me. :'(

And 'else-part' .. !?

After spending so much of time with me,

You actually think that .. ?!

How do I tell You,

You have always been my priority,

always.. ! :(

and will be..

I don't know.. what to say..

Its all so bad!

I hate that college.

God!

Please help me. :'(

I am not that strong,

I just am not,

Please! :(

I am a human,

I have feelings,

I get hurt too.

I am not a machine programmed 

to maintain a smile on my face all the time.

I can't.

I am sorry,

I am.

At least You,

Please forgive me!

:(

This message from my junior says some part of what I wish to say,

' Being good is very difficult.

It is like being a goalkeeper.

No matter how many goals You save,

people remember only the ones you missed.. ! :( '

God! Am I that bad?