~ Hopeless ~

Heyi Baby Blush :)

Hope You are fine Sweetheart! :*

I would seriously like to thank You first of all 

for always being there with me,

for never leaving me alone to cry,

for never hurting me,

for listening to me without judging me,

for understanding my every decision and situations,

for holding on,

for everything Blush!

A big big Thank You for everything!

I don't know how would I manage things around, without You.

Right now my situation is something like,

I do something else,

something else happens,

and it appears something else to people

( Confusing right? ).

When I express my love,

its a crap

and

the moment I lose my temper,

every word is assumed to be true!

Its something like

my love,

my care

doesn't matter at all!

My mistakes

and

My Past 

are the only things that are counted upon

and of course

I am judged!

( And that is the worst of all! )

I simply ,simply feel like a Slut!

( And that hurts so damn much when Someone very very close makes You feel like one.. )

The situation is bad,

real bad!

Nothing seems to work.

I keep trying and failing,

trying, failing, trying ,failing,

that is the current happening in my life

and along with that

I miss my Family! :(

Seriously I can't find anything good in my life right now!

Worse than anything else,

I find myself running away,

God knows from whom/what, where,

I know nothing,

I am only running

( And I was never like that ).

Lonely everywhere!

I cry, cry a lot, 

I can spend an entire day with tears pouring down my eyes,

Something very usual with me these days.

I feel bad,

I feel hurt.

I try so much to withhold those tears,

to enjoy with friends,

to have that smile,

but

nothing works.

Guess the hurt is much more larger than happiness this time.

I have no idea what the Future is holding for me,

what the present wants from me

and

of course

my Past!

I am really standing in a situation 

where

either things will get fine with time

or

I am going to shatter and lose myself this time.

Lets see how things work out for me.

Take Care Blush!

I love U

and

I lowe U!

Truly Hopeless this time...

~ Re-post ~

Heyi Blush 

Late again,

I know,

I am sorry baby,

its just that nothing is going fine right now.

I wish to do something else

and

something else happens.

Today I was just going through the blogs I follow,

when I came across the recent post made by my Di

( Somethings can never be past.. ),

and reading that I realized I am undergoing the same thing right now,

similar emotions,

similar feelings,

just everything,

although the reasons might vary

and I decided to re-post her post

( Hoping she wont mind.. ),

Here it is:

'Don't feel good. Strangely, this life, holds no charm now. somewhere the whole zeal seems gone for now. maybe its the hostility around. or may be there is something lacking in my approach towards things and people.
Strangely everything is here, yet i am unfortunately pushing myself towards the negative road. feeling too bad over trivial issues. Unable to take the higher way. the way which ideally should be taken. Well those are words. And making words a practise is what actually shows how much you have evolved. Thats what shows your true age, age in the real sense. I am trying, trying hard. Trying to evolve, trying to not let myself down, when I sense discomfort in situations and with people.

At present all what I feel like is locking myself up. I feel this need to be away from my own people. Or else snappiness ensues. Unfair on my behalf. I know. No one is expected to understand what i need. And i emphasise on "No One." Becasue with time I have understood that none can understand the strangeness which keeps going on within. Its like a see-saw. And its unfair to expect someone to keep track of this alternative storm and subsequent calm.

Something is hammering. And it is making me feel uneasy. As if I am drifting. All above is the calm of the sea, yet I keep sensing this turmoil. And it makes me want to throw myself away to luck/chance. It makes me want to be irrational. And yes irrational decisions made by me have been many. Why, I question and I know nothing makes sense now. It is me, who is in this turmoil since long. And this turmoil is what makes me feel so lonely.
Probably this is what it is. Loneliness. May be I have had too much of it now. And every way out I seem to find, doesnt help. And its unfair to expect it to help, when right now, I am the one who is unable to help myself. I am the one here who is making stuff difficult.. Thinking too much, too soon.'

I wish I could make few people understand their values in my life,

how damn much they mean to me,

how painful those tears are,

I just wish they would trust me when I told them the truth

instead of trusting me when I spoke in anger the things I never meant.

I just wish,

I am sorry,

Please forgive me.

Those tears just killed me,

won't be able to forgive myself ever 

for bringing them in your eyes.

I hate myself!

Just waiting for things to get better

and

life to get normal.

Heyy Blush!

Nothing to write Sweetheart, 

just came to see You.

Words have refused to come out right now,

and I don't know what to do .. :'(

I feel like crying,

just wish to cry and cry some more.

I don't know baby where am I going wrong.

Is my being concerned my fault!?

Or maybe I am wrong when I just try to lighten up your mood 

and am told that I am not the One who can do that.

With the phone hanged up I lie down on my bed,

just thinking,

I wish I was the One..

God knows if I ever will be

or maybe I'll always be the one,

after talking to whom You get sad,

after seeing whom You get sad,

the sadness bringing girl,

mood upsetter,

yes that is who I have become these days.

I really wish baby I wasn't,

I never wanted to be,

I didn't even get to know when did I become one,

God!

Just drain my emotions out of me for sometime,

please!

Everything I do,

I say,

automatically turns out to be the wrong thing ,

and I don't know how long can I just wear that smile now,

when every moment all I wish to do is cry.. :(

God!

Just..

Please..

Help me!

Please..

I badly badly need it.. :'(

~ Running away ~

Heyiii Blush! :)

My Baby,

how have you been Sweetheart!?

I know You are mad at me,

of course You should be!

But see baby I am here no,

with You!

Although a bit late,

but better late then never.. :D

( I know that was lame. :D )

Sorry sweetheart! :*

Its just that I have turned weird these days,

I behave unexpectedly!

Anything, anytime!

Yea exactly, that is what I do!

I hope You understand Sweetheart!

( At least You don't think I am a bad bad person.. )

So today I am here to share a poem with You,

one I wrote today morning.

Here it goes,

Trying to run away from World,

Wish to keep walking without uttering a word,

Afraid of the single fear I have,

Watch my world crash in front of my eyes if to happiness  a single moment I gave,

Confused I stand how to save my day,

Continue living with the fear or just let it go away.

Never before I felt this desperation in my life,

Either its a bed of flowers or walking on a knife,

I don't have a memory of me being this way,

Simply don't know when I started to lose myself away,

My life has turned out to be defined by making choices or being one,

Right now the only option visible to me is run, run and simply run.

Run from the strangers , with the fear of being hurt,

Run from my friends for they would break my heart,

Run from my family, they won't ever trust me again,

Run from my love for I don't have the strength to restart from where I began,

Amidst these complexities I wonder what life expects of me,

I am human, I Too feel, why don't you see!

Some people think the girl they see in me is good at heart,

But not even in my dreams I want them to turn like me and fall apart,

It takes everything You have to rise up again when You fall,

At times You would prefer begging to Satan to cut your life small.

I look around and see so many unknown faces around,

Sitting here I am waiting for a familiar sound,

A call that would from this pain pull me away,

A call that would give me one reason to hold on and stay.. !

This poem expresses the way I felt

and am feeling these days.

Enjoy the poem.

Take care Blush!

I'll be back Sweetheart!

Love You! :*

God help me.. !