~ Nervous ~

Heyi Blush!

Hope you are fine baby! :*

I lately realized life can be so so unexpected!

One morning I wake up and receive a message that a friend of mine is no more! Taken totally aback I message my other friends to confirm the details and it turns out to be true. Yet unbelievable to me, every little thing about her keeps revolving around in my head all the time. Especially her plans for her future, there was a guy she was in a committed relationship with since past 4-5 years. I remember her saying they would convince their parents and get married and I believe they would do so and now I can’t even think about the condition the guy would be in. I never knew him personally but she told me a lot about him, it pains me to think about his loss. I lost a friend too but that is nothing compared to the boy who lost the love of his life, I can’t even imagine being in such a situation!

Every detail of her goes on and on in my mind and there is no one I can share the stuff with. I was the first person she spoke to after joining the college and later she told me about her wrong judgment about me based on my first impression. She had thought I was a girl filled with attitude but as she got to know me she thought I was a sweet person. She loved watching my photos in my cell phone and she loved the special ring I have. It’s still so unbelievable to me. I was hoping to see her and tell her how I was about to start a new life but now I can’t .. I’ll miss you, I’ll!

I am just surprised, very surprised. I myself am in love with a person and for the ones who think I don’t know the meaning of love, He defines love for me. The feeling I have for him is love to me, the goose bumps I have every time he is close is love to me! And trust me even the thought of being without him hurts so much, I don’t even want to face that pain ever in my life. I am ready to take every other pain to avoid the pain of being without him, I am! I can maybe let go everything I have but not him, he makes me strong but he also makes me weak at times. Lately we are going through a ‘Nothing to talk about’ phase and maybe it is just with me because he can’t share everything with me. It really scares me what if this becomes permanent what if he gets bored of the dumb me who has nothing to tell, I don’t know what I’ll do! I find him happy with others but not with me, I don’t know what is up, I just don’t!

I don’t know why but nights are scary for me, I really really need someone to be with me but sadly I stay alone and it’s even more scary! The ‘I don’t care’ attitude is not cool, knowing everything if you do get ready to leave me on my own then maybe I should learn to live with this, puts me in a sad position. I really think myself to be a sad little person at times, nothing works out for me, ever!

I am about to make a new start in my life. I have an entrance exam tomorrow morning clearing which will take me a step closer to my dreams. I intend to do my best and live my dreams utilizing the first and last chance I have! If I fail this time I’ll make a fool of myself in front of everyone and if I pass I’ll be the ideal example for people who love and support me and also the ones who criticize me. I don’t know how long I am destined to live but till I am breathing I would rather utilize my every single breath to catch up with my life and get rid of all the complications. I owe a lot to my father who despite everything is giving me this chance putting some faith in me and also to my friends who instead of laughing at me are happy for me and are there to back me up every time I stumble! I love you guys, thank you for being there!!

Next three years are going to be the most important years of my life because they’ll decide the destiny of rest of my life and it’s totally on me to make the best of it or screw it like the rest of my life and I believe I am ready for a change now, no more screwing up! It’s high time to stop screwing everything and start living my life and chasing the big dreams I carry in my eyes. Thank you God for giving me this chance!!

So I guess the cloudy sky is just to welcome a bright new ray of sunshine and dissolve itself in the clear sky to make us realize the importance of rays which we ignore on any normal day!

Wish me luck baby, tomorrow is just a beginning!

And to the One, if you ever think I don’t know what love is, look deep into my eyes you’ll find yourself there.

Bless me God!