~ I don't want to be sad ~

30.12.2011


Dear Blush,


Just one more day left in this year ( approximately one and a half or a little less than that ) and past few days since my B'day in the 22nd have been quite nice. This month of December gifted me a lot of Special people back into my life ( And I am so very thankful to God for that! ). Past few days especially the Christmas and 27th were so so special to me that I can't define those emotions those feelings in words.It was something so intense, so pure and so magical, like something I had never ever felt before in my life. I had never ever thought watching tears in Someone's eyes would bring some in mine 'cause I couldn't bear the sight or maybe 'cause I couldn't just stop them.. ! But it did and I was very very touched by that! I had never ever thought being proposed for marriage ( Although without the knees down and the ring in the hand ) would bring the tears of joy in my eyes ( Unbelievable! ), but it did! And I was definitely surprised by the showing up of this girly instinct within me! I felt special, I did! Past few days of love, care, those magical feelings made my life beautiful and I so very cherish all those moments. Never in my life before I had felt this feeling of possessiveness, this feeling of hating to share Someone ( Not even a single percent! ), this feeling of having all the time and attention of Someone, but now, I don't know why I have started to feel that! I am a very possessive person at times but I prefer to hide it all within me 'cause I don't want to put any kind of restrictions on anyone's life. But I definitely can't sound all happy happy about it all the time especially when I am in a very sad mood and I need all the attention for myself and this thing put me in a bad situation today. I kept apologizing ( And will keep apologizing ) for my stupid behavior ( Only if I could explain I needed Someone so badly that moment and then my cellphone network screwed up some things and then I slept and when I woke up I found Some messages that upset me even more and I ended up sounding even more cold when actually I wanted to hug You or maybe burst into tears! ). At the end of the day all I want is You, all smiling and happy and just look at me I am so bad I can't even get that! :( ( And that really hurts inside! ). I am certainly one very bad person..


So today my mind was partially occupied by this hurt and guilt but Some very good things too happened today, somethings very random, things I hadn't expected at all ( Surprises of life! ).
First was going out for a lunch ( Chicken! ) with my most Special friend and then going to our favorite spot ever since I joined that stupid college, near the flowing dam water with lots and lots of trees and fields and very very gentle and cool breeze ( Just love the atmosphere! ). Scooty  ride made it feel even more better, having some sunshine on my face and feeling the breeze all over. Nature certainly gives us wonderful gifts! Loved everything about it, the aura and the company, Thank You! :)
And second thing was very very surprising, got to see my very very wonderful mechanics teacher ( And Crush! ) after a great deal of time. It felt so good to have him right in front  of my eyes and talk to him about our college and his college etc etc ( One of the OMG feeling! ). He is so very motivating and inspiring, one of the most amazing person I know! :) I wish You get the Best of everything in Your life Sir, You definitely deserve that!


So the day was good ( yet sad ), I am missing You like anything but I think I have committed a big big mistake which won't be forgiven easily.. I am really sorry for letting my mood dominate, I just didn't mean to hurt You or upset You but... I am very bad!
Just want You to know,
I miss You!
I lov(w)e You! ( Like I never did to anyone.. ! )
I feel so so Special and different about You that I don't wish to share even a single percent of You! ( Maybe 'cause I am afraid that I might have to lose You.... )
And losing You is something I can't afford, just can't, even the thought just kills me.. !
No matter how bad I might be, I can never be selfish to You, never!
And God! I miss You so so badly, 
I am very very sorry,
Please forgive me.... ! :(

Love,
Me.

~ Realizations... ~

Heyii my Love,

my Baby,

my Blush.. !! :)

Wow!

This feels so so good to be back here.. !

( God I can't stop putting so many exclamation marks in here :P )

This month of December has been full of surprises,

happy and sad,

but somehow I believe this year is gonna end on a good note. :)

Blush I have some new plans for You,

I wanted to implement those since my B'day but somehow I couldn't due to the stupid server!

But today when things are all set I wish to continue with my plans.. :)

I wish to continue with You on a regular basis,

Just like my diary! :)

I am kinda excited about that and I'll start it from today or tomorrow,

and from Christmas!

See You very very soon Love!

Muaaaahhhhh... :*

Lets make a new start Blush!

Love You! :)

Thank You God for everything.... !! :)

~ Adieu ~

Blush!!

Heyii Baby!

You know something You are one of the Best things 

that happened to me in these eighteen years!

And it really kills me to say maybe this is the last time I am writing here..

I am leaving Blush,

I won't be coming back for a long time

and I am not even sure if I'll or I'll not.

I'll always need You

and miss You too.

I really love You baby,

I hope at least You know that... 

I am feeling so so hollow within

as if something is eating me inside,

killing me.

Today I can say,

I am perfectly alone!

My last cord to life got cut

and I promise to myself today 

I wont let anyone fix that.

Today I realize what

numbness is,

loneliness is,

pain is,

helplessness is

and

how it feels when You just don't want to live anymore.

I won't be contacting my friends too now on.

Let the loneliness be perfect and absolute!

You broke Your promise now watch me break ..

Take Care Blush!

I love You,

always did

and

always will!

Good Bye....

Blush!

Baby I am feeling very very bad right now,

tell me what should I do,

please help me.. :'(

I don't want to drown in the ocean of griefs and sorrows,

I don't want to be misunderstood always,

I don't want to stay alone always,

I don't want to live like this ..

Nothing seems to help baby,

just nothing.

I can't find a place to go.

When I close my eyes

past flashes within them

and 

I miss Something I lost,

Miss it very very badly.

I can't sleep at nights,

I feel so lonely..

Every night ends with guilt

and some tears falling on my pillow.

I ask my eyes not to cry 

but they simply don't listen ..

I am so so helpless

and when my temper goes high at times,

I do insane things!

I act crazy..

My hand is a perfect example of my craziness,

anyone who sees it looks at me with pity,

thinking what I have turned into..

The girl who always smiled

can't even fake a smile

and

would soon turn into

a girl who smiles with tears in her eyes...

I might be back again Blush,

I have nowhere to go.

Most of the doors are shut for me

and the one that might be open,

I don't have enough courage to knock on them

after breaking them badly ..

Blankness overcomes ........

~ Lost and found and Lost ~

Blush!

Heyii Baby :*

Its been quite long I know,

Maybe a week less than a month,

You must be angry I know,

You should be!

No silly excuses to give,

just the bitter truth,

I am not fine,

No I am not!

No matter what I do,

Life always sucks for me,

ALWAYS!!

It seems I am born to keep committing mistakes I have no idea of and then spend the rest of the time apologizing for it.

Past few days have been an eye-opener,

I am shattering inside,

yet again,

never found myself this lonely before,

never.

( I miss You. :'( )

Yes I don't speak when I am hurt,

I keep silent

but I don't wish people to get pissed off over that 

and leave me alone,

I just need someone to hug me 

and tell me I am not alone,

maybe, just maybe,

I am not that bad.

In the past eighteen years I found no one 

who could cope up with my silence,

except You.

I remember how every time You apologized although

it was never your fault.

I am heartily sorry for everything,

Today, I understand each and every thing,

I do 

and now I know how bad I am 

and how right You were,

I am sorry!

Nothing in this World can replace You ever!

I struggle within everyday, 

but ..

maybe I deserve this!

It hurts so much when the person most close to You doesn't trust You,

'Trust',

I remember.. maybe I am not trustworthy,

I am a murderer of Trust,

ain't I?

I am two-faced,

fake,

unstable,

a person who twists thing

all those words above define me.

I had nothing to say,

except believing the fact this is all true..

So this is who I am.. hmm ..

I thought I was a better person,

but I am not!

No matter how much I cry,

it doesn't drain out the pain out of my heart,

no matter how much I bleed,

the hurt, the mental torture never ends,

Losing your mind can't be permanent.

God!!

Is there no cure for this?!

I feel like an unwanted person,

like someone who only creates troubles,

upsets people.

And above all 

I am shattered,

breaking inside day by day.

I do everything I once hated,

Everything!

I am turning into a person I never wanted to be,

a sadist,

a crier,

a loner,

one with all bad habits,

totally depressed

and

depressing

and much more.

All my beliefs are shattered,

I am a stranger to my own self

No one knows me,

No one gets me,

No one trusts me!

Only thing I wish for right now 

is to get away from everyone,

far far away.

Go to a place where no one knows me

and stay there.

Far away and alone.

I am tired of apologizing 

and acting a 'Spoiler',

I am tired!

I miss who I used to be once,

I miss the good part in me,

I miss the days when people loved me,

I miss the days when I wasn't the 'Upsetting-factor' for everyone,

I miss the days when I was Someone's priority,

I miss all the silly chit-chats I had once,

I miss me,

I miss You,

I miss being alive.

And an entirely new experience awaits me this weekend,

an eye surgery!

I could feel my heartbeat rush when doctor told me about that,

I went pale.

 I was afraid of hospitals ever since I was a kid 

and now who is going to have an eye surgery,

hell yes its me!

Life couldn't be worse,

simply couldn't be!

All I can do is shed tears

till my eyes get dried up

and hope maybe someday it will reduce the pain I am in

or maybe someday I won't be so alone..

I am changing

and

I can feel it

into a person worse than I had ever anticipated.

I hate myself.

Too hopeless to hope...