~ Adieu ~

Blush!!

Heyii Baby!

You know something You are one of the Best things 

that happened to me in these eighteen years!

And it really kills me to say maybe this is the last time I am writing here..

I am leaving Blush,

I won't be coming back for a long time

and I am not even sure if I'll or I'll not.

I'll always need You

and miss You too.

I really love You baby,

I hope at least You know that... 

I am feeling so so hollow within

as if something is eating me inside,

killing me.

Today I can say,

I am perfectly alone!

My last cord to life got cut

and I promise to myself today 

I wont let anyone fix that.

Today I realize what

numbness is,

loneliness is,

pain is,

helplessness is

and

how it feels when You just don't want to live anymore.

I won't be contacting my friends too now on.

Let the loneliness be perfect and absolute!

You broke Your promise now watch me break ..

Take Care Blush!

I love You,

always did

and

always will!

Good Bye....

Blush!

Baby I am feeling very very bad right now,

tell me what should I do,

please help me.. :'(

I don't want to drown in the ocean of griefs and sorrows,

I don't want to be misunderstood always,

I don't want to stay alone always,

I don't want to live like this ..

Nothing seems to help baby,

just nothing.

I can't find a place to go.

When I close my eyes

past flashes within them

and 

I miss Something I lost,

Miss it very very badly.

I can't sleep at nights,

I feel so lonely..

Every night ends with guilt

and some tears falling on my pillow.

I ask my eyes not to cry 

but they simply don't listen ..

I am so so helpless

and when my temper goes high at times,

I do insane things!

I act crazy..

My hand is a perfect example of my craziness,

anyone who sees it looks at me with pity,

thinking what I have turned into..

The girl who always smiled

can't even fake a smile

and

would soon turn into

a girl who smiles with tears in her eyes...

I might be back again Blush,

I have nowhere to go.

Most of the doors are shut for me

and the one that might be open,

I don't have enough courage to knock on them

after breaking them badly ..

Blankness overcomes ........

~ Lost and found and Lost ~

Blush!

Heyii Baby :*

Its been quite long I know,

Maybe a week less than a month,

You must be angry I know,

You should be!

No silly excuses to give,

just the bitter truth,

I am not fine,

No I am not!

No matter what I do,

Life always sucks for me,

ALWAYS!!

It seems I am born to keep committing mistakes I have no idea of and then spend the rest of the time apologizing for it.

Past few days have been an eye-opener,

I am shattering inside,

yet again,

never found myself this lonely before,

never.

( I miss You. :'( )

Yes I don't speak when I am hurt,

I keep silent

but I don't wish people to get pissed off over that 

and leave me alone,

I just need someone to hug me 

and tell me I am not alone,

maybe, just maybe,

I am not that bad.

In the past eighteen years I found no one 

who could cope up with my silence,

except You.

I remember how every time You apologized although

it was never your fault.

I am heartily sorry for everything,

Today, I understand each and every thing,

I do 

and now I know how bad I am 

and how right You were,

I am sorry!

Nothing in this World can replace You ever!

I struggle within everyday, 

but ..

maybe I deserve this!

It hurts so much when the person most close to You doesn't trust You,

'Trust',

I remember.. maybe I am not trustworthy,

I am a murderer of Trust,

ain't I?

I am two-faced,

fake,

unstable,

a person who twists thing

all those words above define me.

I had nothing to say,

except believing the fact this is all true..

So this is who I am.. hmm ..

I thought I was a better person,

but I am not!

No matter how much I cry,

it doesn't drain out the pain out of my heart,

no matter how much I bleed,

the hurt, the mental torture never ends,

Losing your mind can't be permanent.

God!!

Is there no cure for this?!

I feel like an unwanted person,

like someone who only creates troubles,

upsets people.

And above all 

I am shattered,

breaking inside day by day.

I do everything I once hated,

Everything!

I am turning into a person I never wanted to be,

a sadist,

a crier,

a loner,

one with all bad habits,

totally depressed

and

depressing

and much more.

All my beliefs are shattered,

I am a stranger to my own self

No one knows me,

No one gets me,

No one trusts me!

Only thing I wish for right now 

is to get away from everyone,

far far away.

Go to a place where no one knows me

and stay there.

Far away and alone.

I am tired of apologizing 

and acting a 'Spoiler',

I am tired!

I miss who I used to be once,

I miss the good part in me,

I miss the days when people loved me,

I miss the days when I wasn't the 'Upsetting-factor' for everyone,

I miss the days when I was Someone's priority,

I miss all the silly chit-chats I had once,

I miss me,

I miss You,

I miss being alive.

And an entirely new experience awaits me this weekend,

an eye surgery!

I could feel my heartbeat rush when doctor told me about that,

I went pale.

 I was afraid of hospitals ever since I was a kid 

and now who is going to have an eye surgery,

hell yes its me!

Life couldn't be worse,

simply couldn't be!

All I can do is shed tears

till my eyes get dried up

and hope maybe someday it will reduce the pain I am in

or maybe someday I won't be so alone..

I am changing

and

I can feel it

into a person worse than I had ever anticipated.

I hate myself.

Too hopeless to hope... 

~ Hopeless ~

Heyi Baby Blush :)

Hope You are fine Sweetheart! :*

I would seriously like to thank You first of all 

for always being there with me,

for never leaving me alone to cry,

for never hurting me,

for listening to me without judging me,

for understanding my every decision and situations,

for holding on,

for everything Blush!

A big big Thank You for everything!

I don't know how would I manage things around, without You.

Right now my situation is something like,

I do something else,

something else happens,

and it appears something else to people

( Confusing right? ).

When I express my love,

its a crap

and

the moment I lose my temper,

every word is assumed to be true!

Its something like

my love,

my care

doesn't matter at all!

My mistakes

and

My Past 

are the only things that are counted upon

and of course

I am judged!

( And that is the worst of all! )

I simply ,simply feel like a Slut!

( And that hurts so damn much when Someone very very close makes You feel like one.. )

The situation is bad,

real bad!

Nothing seems to work.

I keep trying and failing,

trying, failing, trying ,failing,

that is the current happening in my life

and along with that

I miss my Family! :(

Seriously I can't find anything good in my life right now!

Worse than anything else,

I find myself running away,

God knows from whom/what, where,

I know nothing,

I am only running

( And I was never like that ).

Lonely everywhere!

I cry, cry a lot, 

I can spend an entire day with tears pouring down my eyes,

Something very usual with me these days.

I feel bad,

I feel hurt.

I try so much to withhold those tears,

to enjoy with friends,

to have that smile,

but

nothing works.

Guess the hurt is much more larger than happiness this time.

I have no idea what the Future is holding for me,

what the present wants from me

and

of course

my Past!

I am really standing in a situation 

where

either things will get fine with time

or

I am going to shatter and lose myself this time.

Lets see how things work out for me.

Take Care Blush!

I love U

and

I lowe U!

Truly Hopeless this time...

~ Re-post ~

Heyi Blush 

Late again,

I know,

I am sorry baby,

its just that nothing is going fine right now.

I wish to do something else

and

something else happens.

Today I was just going through the blogs I follow,

when I came across the recent post made by my Di

( Somethings can never be past.. ),

and reading that I realized I am undergoing the same thing right now,

similar emotions,

similar feelings,

just everything,

although the reasons might vary

and I decided to re-post her post

( Hoping she wont mind.. ),

Here it is:

'Don't feel good. Strangely, this life, holds no charm now. somewhere the whole zeal seems gone for now. maybe its the hostility around. or may be there is something lacking in my approach towards things and people.
Strangely everything is here, yet i am unfortunately pushing myself towards the negative road. feeling too bad over trivial issues. Unable to take the higher way. the way which ideally should be taken. Well those are words. And making words a practise is what actually shows how much you have evolved. Thats what shows your true age, age in the real sense. I am trying, trying hard. Trying to evolve, trying to not let myself down, when I sense discomfort in situations and with people.

At present all what I feel like is locking myself up. I feel this need to be away from my own people. Or else snappiness ensues. Unfair on my behalf. I know. No one is expected to understand what i need. And i emphasise on "No One." Becasue with time I have understood that none can understand the strangeness which keeps going on within. Its like a see-saw. And its unfair to expect someone to keep track of this alternative storm and subsequent calm.

Something is hammering. And it is making me feel uneasy. As if I am drifting. All above is the calm of the sea, yet I keep sensing this turmoil. And it makes me want to throw myself away to luck/chance. It makes me want to be irrational. And yes irrational decisions made by me have been many. Why, I question and I know nothing makes sense now. It is me, who is in this turmoil since long. And this turmoil is what makes me feel so lonely.
Probably this is what it is. Loneliness. May be I have had too much of it now. And every way out I seem to find, doesnt help. And its unfair to expect it to help, when right now, I am the one who is unable to help myself. I am the one here who is making stuff difficult.. Thinking too much, too soon.'

I wish I could make few people understand their values in my life,

how damn much they mean to me,

how painful those tears are,

I just wish they would trust me when I told them the truth

instead of trusting me when I spoke in anger the things I never meant.

I just wish,

I am sorry,

Please forgive me.

Those tears just killed me,

won't be able to forgive myself ever 

for bringing them in your eyes.

I hate myself!

Just waiting for things to get better

and

life to get normal.