21.02.2012
Dear Blush,
Its been quite a while, I know.
I so much wanted to visit You and write but I am not able to write these days, as if the spark is gone missing somewhere!! I am sorry Blush for being away for such a long time, I missed You baby!!
I am glad I am back here, I needed someone so so badly and here You are standing by my side like always. I love You so much.. !! <3
Life is, again, very very complicated. I know what I want but its hard to keep things in the right position for a long time, its like I have a moment of happiness and then *boooooooom* end of the dream like reality and entry of hardcore reality, the bitch we call life!
First week of this month gifted me the best moments of my life, memories I'll cherish throughout my life but as the week came to an end so did my happiness! My life and my luck sucks hard time!
There are two people in my life, I care a lot for and both are ready to leave me alone for my sake, none of them is ready to understand the fact that I can't fucking be happy with them gone!
There is a best friend who finds it hard to be a best friend, I understand your situation and I get it but what is my fault in there.. :(
And then the guy I love, the guy I would do anything for, I just don't understand why cant things stay normal between us no matter how hard I try to keep things alright! Why isn't love enough!?
I know I act possessive, I act mean and rude at times but its for a simple fact that I love You and I am AFRAID of losing You!! You think its all melodrama and me being fake and pretentious but how do I tell You its not that, its not! :(
I am anything but fake! There is a reason behind everything, I don't speak most of the times so that things might stay normal, I try and ignore things up but at times I can't.. I am sorry but I can't no matter how hard I try! Especially last week when I was pissed off at EVERYONE!! I don't know why but I was, still I tried believe me I did to be with You every time You need me.
I was not fine with few things and I said it out loud. I might be wrong there, I am not sure but I behaved that way 'cause I was watching things getting effected between us and I couldn't bear that! If there is something I am never ready to lose and give up on its You! And You just won't believe it ever..
I know how things are when You have to deal with past and that was one of the reasons behind the 'Fear' but I couldn't help it, I tried to not act like some paranoid but I guess I ended up being one and making a total fool of myself. I have always been a girl who realizes her mistakes after things are done and that makes me pay for it afterwards and guess right now I am doing that only. Regretting and crying.
Everyone had different mindset, I am the dreamy one. the one who prefers living in her own World and so I see things differently. Its easy to please me and its also easy to hurt me. I never ever forget things no matter how hard I try, they are always there and they come out when my temper is high, when my ego takes a hold of me! You wont believe but this ego is nothing compared to the one I had before for everyone else, where I would never ever accept my mistake and make others say sorry for no fault, I have definitely improved but I need to erase the word 'Ego' from my life for my sake or else I'll keep crying.
I have come to a realization that a person never ever finds a mistake in what he does, its always the other person who is wrong. At times its the ego that makes You say sorry but there is also a genuine sorry and amidst all this complications and confusion the genuineness of the word gets lost somewhere no matter how heart felt it is, happens with me all the time!!
I put myself to pain but my senses have gone numb by now, mental pain always dominates the physical one! :/
You have no idea how damn fucked and lost I feel when You decide to 'go away', its like I exist no more, like I have nothing more left in my life!
I laugh with my friends but its never heartfelt, I feel my heart squeeze when those warm tears fall out of my eyes, I feel pain when I see your straight face, and I am just not able to control myself, pushes me into depression. You might find me melodramatic but only I know the whirlpool going within me eating and killing me with every passing second..
I have become desperate to leave this place and go far far away,
I don't want a complicated life, I want a simple one,
Where I can be happy and cry at times and have all the people I love with me with smiling faces,
where there would be no guilt within me and I might feel inner happiness and peace of mind..
Trust me, I love You, more than I ever thought I could, I gave it all to You and I always will,
Please forgive me for my mistakes and be with me..
God! I beg You, please please give me a normal life,
can't take it anymore,
before I kill myself please help me... !!
Love,
Me.
Dear Blush,
Its been quite a while, I know.
I so much wanted to visit You and write but I am not able to write these days, as if the spark is gone missing somewhere!! I am sorry Blush for being away for such a long time, I missed You baby!!
I am glad I am back here, I needed someone so so badly and here You are standing by my side like always. I love You so much.. !! <3
Life is, again, very very complicated. I know what I want but its hard to keep things in the right position for a long time, its like I have a moment of happiness and then *boooooooom* end of the dream like reality and entry of hardcore reality, the bitch we call life!
First week of this month gifted me the best moments of my life, memories I'll cherish throughout my life but as the week came to an end so did my happiness! My life and my luck sucks hard time!
There are two people in my life, I care a lot for and both are ready to leave me alone for my sake, none of them is ready to understand the fact that I can't fucking be happy with them gone!
There is a best friend who finds it hard to be a best friend, I understand your situation and I get it but what is my fault in there.. :(
And then the guy I love, the guy I would do anything for, I just don't understand why cant things stay normal between us no matter how hard I try to keep things alright! Why isn't love enough!?
I know I act possessive, I act mean and rude at times but its for a simple fact that I love You and I am AFRAID of losing You!! You think its all melodrama and me being fake and pretentious but how do I tell You its not that, its not! :(
I am anything but fake! There is a reason behind everything, I don't speak most of the times so that things might stay normal, I try and ignore things up but at times I can't.. I am sorry but I can't no matter how hard I try! Especially last week when I was pissed off at EVERYONE!! I don't know why but I was, still I tried believe me I did to be with You every time You need me.
I was not fine with few things and I said it out loud. I might be wrong there, I am not sure but I behaved that way 'cause I was watching things getting effected between us and I couldn't bear that! If there is something I am never ready to lose and give up on its You! And You just won't believe it ever..
I know how things are when You have to deal with past and that was one of the reasons behind the 'Fear' but I couldn't help it, I tried to not act like some paranoid but I guess I ended up being one and making a total fool of myself. I have always been a girl who realizes her mistakes after things are done and that makes me pay for it afterwards and guess right now I am doing that only. Regretting and crying.
Everyone had different mindset, I am the dreamy one. the one who prefers living in her own World and so I see things differently. Its easy to please me and its also easy to hurt me. I never ever forget things no matter how hard I try, they are always there and they come out when my temper is high, when my ego takes a hold of me! You wont believe but this ego is nothing compared to the one I had before for everyone else, where I would never ever accept my mistake and make others say sorry for no fault, I have definitely improved but I need to erase the word 'Ego' from my life for my sake or else I'll keep crying.
I have come to a realization that a person never ever finds a mistake in what he does, its always the other person who is wrong. At times its the ego that makes You say sorry but there is also a genuine sorry and amidst all this complications and confusion the genuineness of the word gets lost somewhere no matter how heart felt it is, happens with me all the time!!
I put myself to pain but my senses have gone numb by now, mental pain always dominates the physical one! :/
You have no idea how damn fucked and lost I feel when You decide to 'go away', its like I exist no more, like I have nothing more left in my life!
I laugh with my friends but its never heartfelt, I feel my heart squeeze when those warm tears fall out of my eyes, I feel pain when I see your straight face, and I am just not able to control myself, pushes me into depression. You might find me melodramatic but only I know the whirlpool going within me eating and killing me with every passing second..
I have become desperate to leave this place and go far far away,
I don't want a complicated life, I want a simple one,
Where I can be happy and cry at times and have all the people I love with me with smiling faces,
where there would be no guilt within me and I might feel inner happiness and peace of mind..
Trust me, I love You, more than I ever thought I could, I gave it all to You and I always will,
Please forgive me for my mistakes and be with me..
God! I beg You, please please give me a normal life,
can't take it anymore,
before I kill myself please help me... !!
Love,
Me.
